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16-Jul-2017 00:48

I spend lots of time in this column and over at A(n)nals of Online Dating documenting the worst of the worst internet daters. But there are also some really good ones — and some mediocre ones that could be so much better if not for rookie mistakes.

So, welcome to Internet Dating Bootcamp, where I'll teach you how to trick unsuspecting users into thinking you’re actually cool and normal. You need to be you in your online dating profile, but the process of creating one is a good time to think about what kindergarten teachers call “being your best self at school.” If you’re attracted to Type-A go-getter types who get up at 6am to exercise, emphasize your similar love of hard work. Want someone who shares your taste for obscure French films? No, not everyone wants to date a carbon copy of themselves, but most of us want to be with someone with some overlapping interests.

(If it’s good enough for Hilary Duff’s Tinder profile, it’s good enough for you)Hi, I’m here for a boring time. I have small hands so it will make your dick look bigger.

I’m looking for a long term relationship probably involving a lot of hard work and hardly any sex. I like to pick the movies and if you don’t let me, I’ll tell everyone you beat me. If there wasn’t enough WTF profile’s already, here’s some more.

This was my GO-TO GUIDE – with this list I didn’t even have to think of what Opener I should use, or what to say to get a girls number… For a limited time I’ve decided to share my own private Tinder opener cheat sheet so you can have the same success – for free! Above average brains, below average height, pretty average penis. Warehouse worker to pay the bills :)Looking to meet some new people and see what happens :)If you start a conversation with something along the lines of “you look like a f*cking giraffe c*nt”, chances are we won’t get along. On the topic of nude pics: I just want to remind everyone of a little movie called TITANIC… I’ve been having dreams about you and me…I’m 26 I live with my grandparents but that will hopefully change soon. I still ride on the back of shopping carts when I shop.

Click Here to Download Your FREE Cheat-Sheet I’m all of like two feet tall. If you’re wondering why I’m so funny, it’s because I used to be fat. And I’ve already failed all my exams sooooo You can use me to get to my mom. I’m actually looking for the one girl that dislikes to laugh and hates good music. If I ever find myself face to face with a tider then I’m likely in trouble so drop the camera and GET HELP! You only get three great women in your life, my mom and grandma are two… I’ll sexually disappoint you but it’ll be a journey for both of us. I want to do adult things with you…*whispers* taxes*panting softly* pay the mortgage*moans* make sure we turned off all the lights, our electricity bill was 300 f*cking dollars this month Just doing this because my boyfriend did. a girl in 1912 has her naked body drawn in a sketchbook by a random dude that no one’s ever heard of, locks the drawing in a safe on a boat, the BOAT SINKS, and her nude picture STILL ends upon television 84 years later. Looking for someone to bring to family events so they’ll stop thinking something’s wrong with me I’m here to avoid friends on Facebook. I am a little freaky at times…but no one has stepped up to the plate to explore that side of me.

Spitters are quitters Let’s have a who’s better in bed contest. Literally just want a shag, why else would I have tinder and my first picture be me in a bikini I’ve got fake tits and a fake personality. Don’t ask me to “send some pics.” Take me out on a date, buy me some food, and try to get me naked at the end like a f*cking gentleman.500 characters isn’t really enough to demonstrate my wit and intelligence so just look at my banging cleavage for now. I’m here because I’m too lazy to find my soulmate and my mom said that I’m getting old You look like my next mistake Leave a message after the beep. If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place. Everytime I look at my iphone U and I are always together This is the beginning of the sentence you just finished reading.(More bio examples on their way… ) So you can see that people can go pretty crazy with their taglines. Because when it comes to matches, your profile description (“About Me” section) isn’t really that important. For a girl to see it she needs to be interested enough by your main picture and then dig deeper – which is done by tapping the screen to see more about you.

But who’s caring, because let’s be honest, you’re gonna swipe right coz I’m fit. At first when people found out they called me a freak, now they just call me, all the time. Gonna get tattoos of dogs on my arms and then get really buff so when I a fly cutie I can be like “excuse me, but do you know where a vet is? If you’re waiting for the opportune moment to talk to me… Some of them are pretty entertaining, but does a good bio actually achieve anything at the end of the day, is it going to get you a date or hookup? And then even if she does read your bio, unless there’s something oustanding (or underwhelming) in there, it’s generally your photos that will be the major influencer.

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Because I have a killer list of clever Tinder openers waiting for you. A great bio may help your Tinder results slightly, but a poor bio will definitely devastate any chance of success.We’ve put together a list of some of the best (amusing) Tinder bio’s, as discovered by r/tinder, to give you some ideas for your own profile description. Send me an emoji that represents our first date, I’ll send you an emoji that represents our future Seeking someone that looks good on the arm to take to social events!